The Plan
by swimmerreader
Summary: Love is one of the crazy and uncontrollable things that will never go according to plan. Although Hermione tried her best. And eight years later, she tells Ron about this whole ordeal. R/H with some H/G
1. Pilot

**Disclaimer: No.**

**So this is the product of all the Harry Potter that's been going on, along with way to much Ron and Hermione fanfiction. But don't you worry, there's plenty of Harry and Ginny in here too(: Let me know if ya'll want me to continue it!**

"You know you ruined everything, right?" said Hermione offhandedly late one evening.

"What?" exclaimed a caught off guard Ron.

The couple was lounging casually across the beat up brown leather couch in the mismatched living room of their shared loft. That's right, after years of begging and _begging_, Ron had finally gotten Hermione to move in with him. She had put up a good fight too, insisting that 22 was too young and so on and so forth, but had caved eventually.

"I had a plan you know, one worthy of Ravenclaw too, even though I wasn't even in her house..." stated Hermione , just as nonchalantly as before, twisting so her legs could stretch out over his lap and shutting her eyes languidly.

"I'm sorry, what are you talking about? And why in the name of Merlin am I being blamed for the downfall of it?" snapped Ron, his ears turning a characteristic crimson. Whether it was from anger or happiness at her current position, one could only guess.

"Oh, don't get your panties in a twist Weasley," Hermione said with an endearing grin shot his way. "It's nothing to be worried about."

The coloring of his ears dimmed a bit. "Oh, well then… care to explain?"

Hermione sighed and sunk deeper into the couch. "You sure? It's kind of a long story…"

"I'm sure."

"Really? You might not think as highly of me afterwards." A few worry lines formed between her eyebrows, as if she was questioning the wisdom of ever mentioning this plan to her boyfriend.

Ron grinned at what he thought was an absolutely adorable expression. Even after five years, she still had the ability to make him go pink with the simplest of things.

"I'm not sure if there is any story in the world that could make me think less of you…" He blushed. "Wait, that came out wrong. But you know what I meant. Right 'Mione?" He glanced at her anxiously, and his grip on her calves tightened unconsciously.

Her stomach tightened in response to his unconscious display of affection. Even after so many years, she still felt the same way she had when they had touched like this for the first time. But no matter how she felt, she would always pull away before it went too far. She may love him but she would always be the Hermione "Sensible" Granger.

Certain that she was blushing now, Hermione rushed to begin her story, forgoing his question.

"Well, it all started the summer before Fourth Year…"

…

"Are you girls ready? Remember, Harry is coming over today!" Mrs Weasley said as she bustled around the kitchen, making some last minute preparations for The Boy Who Lived. "Hermione, have you gotten all of your things to Ginny's room yet?"

Hermione sighed, both of the Weasley girls had been flustered and fluttery all day today, anxious for Harry's arrival. She would've thought that after two summers with him at least one of them would have calmed down. But alas, Ginny too had been cleaning almost more obsessively than her mother. Hermione made a split second decision.

"No I haven't Mrs Weasley, and I sure could use some help taking the last of it up."

Mrs Weasley offered a thin smile.

"Of course dear, just let me finish off these dishes, I swear the bacon grease must have put a permanent sticking charm on itself and it's pan..."

"Oh no it's alright, I'll get Ginny to help." Hermione rushed.

"You're a dear Hermione," Mrs Weasley smiled sweetly at her before twisting her head towered the living room to bellow for her daughter. "GINNY! COME HELP HERMIONE WITH HER BAGS!"

A moment later a disconcerted thirteen year old came rushing into the kitchen. Ginny Weasley was well on her way out of the awkward not kid/not teen stage, but the crazed look in her eyes gave away the fact that she was still obsessing over the same childhood crush.

"C'mon Gin, let's go."

"Wait," interrupted Ron. "I thought you said this story was about you and me! I don't want to hear about _Ginny_ pining away after my best friend! Eeww."

"Patience Ronald," chided Hermione, nudging him lightly in the chest with her leg. "If you waited for more than four minutes, we'd get there! While I was giving advice to Ginny about Harry, she was giving me advice about you. "

Ron went red again from her rebuke.

"Sorry 'Mione, go on please."

"Ok, so as I was saying-"

"WAIT!" exclaimed Ron.

"What?" sighed an exasperated Hermione.

"Are you saying that _my little sister hooked us up_?" he looked petrified at the thought.

"Um, yeah. So?" Hermione asked.

"That's… it's… was it…" The crimson in his ears was beginning to spread down his neck as he searched for words. "Wasn't it… um… awkward?"

"Oh, not at all! I mean, a little at the beginning but she has known you for all of her life and most of yours so…" she faded off into a blush. "You know what? How about I just tell the story?"

"Um, yeah. Go ahead."

**My apologies if the spacing was off. I've been spending the last fifteen minutes trying to get it to work for me but… *sigh* this is just what happens when half of a story is written on your laptop, and half of it is written on your iPod. Also, this was my first real Harry Potter fan fiction, although I've been a fan of the books as long as I can remember… but if there's anything I got wrong, please feel free to tell me so in a review or PM me! And that includes if I accidentally Americanize anything… Anyways, thanks so much for reading! Please review!**


	2. Adventures With Stairs and Girl Talk

**Disclaimer: No**

**Okay, so before I start I'd like to thank everybody who reviewed this. They all made me very happy(: And I didn't really expect any response to this! Also if anybody would be interested in beta-ing for me please let me know! So here we go; chapter two jumps right into the flash back.**

Ginny raised her eyes at meager pile of Hermione's things at the foot of the rickety stairs.

"You needed me to help you move this?" she asked Hermione in a disbelieving tone.

"Yep." Answered Hermione, not meeting her friend's eyes, but pretending to concentrate on picking up her small turquoise duffel bag.

"But…" Ginny's forehead wrinkled in confusion. "But apart from that," she pointed at the luggage in Hermione's hand. "All you have is a pillow!"

She was right. And it was a small pillow none the less. Hermione didn't know how to answer, but reasoned that since Ginny hadn't worded it as a question, she wasn't required to.

"That is correct. Now come on." And with that she started up the stairs, leaving Ginny to shrug at her friend's oddness and jog up after her with a chorus of creaks echoing from the steps around them.

…

"Hermione, honey, you know that I love you. But I honestly could not care less about you and Ginny's adventures with stairs," whined Ron. "Skip to the part where you two are talking about me and Harry!"

"Fine, bossy. I was almost there anyways…"

…

About a minute later, Hermione collapsed across her cot in Ginny's room.

"You aren't honestly tired after one flight of stairs are you?" Ginny asked, incredulous.

Hermione blushed. "Not all of us practice secretive drills on our brother's broom sticks every night, Gin." she snapped.

Ginny's eyes went wide. "I don't… I mean… why would you think…." She took a breath. "How did you know about that?"

"Please, what do you take me for? Stupid? I've been sleeping in _your room_ for Merlin's sake," Hermione grinned at her friend. "But I have been wondering, why do you only fly at night?"

Ginny thumped herself onto her bed and directed her gaze towards the scratched floorboards and drew her toe in a jagged line across the faded wood.

"Well, my mum has this whole thing about keeping me safe, you know? And I guess my brother's and dad are behind her. And for a while I figured that it was because I was the youngest and kind of gloried in the attention, you know? But then I turned five and figured that maybe it had something to do with the fact that I'm a girl. So I've been working at showing them up ever since." Ginny turned pink suddenly. "And maybe if I ever get good enough, I could be on the team… with…" she turned a darker shade of red, and Hermione gathered rather easily who Ginny was talking about.

"Ginny, listen," Hermione began as she moved over to her friend's bed to put an arm around her. "It's pretty obvious you like Harry." Ginny blushed even deeper than before. "But if you keep acting like an obsessed super fan, I don't think you'll ever have a real good chance."

Ginny ran a concerned hand through her auburn hair as Hermione continued,

"Look, you and Harry are two of my best friends, and I would be stoked if you got together, but you've got to pull _yourself _together first."

The two girls were quiet for a moment; Ginny in over-whelming revelation, Hermione in respect for this.

Finally, the red-head took an unsteady breath. "Alright… how do I do that?"

"Well, try to get over him for starters," she backtracked quickly at Ginny's resistant look. "_Or,_ if you can't do that straight away, just try to get on with your life. Relax a bit around him; maybe go out with some other people," Hermione smirked "Saying absolutely anything when he's in the room would be a start. Show him how brilliant you are."

Ginny exhaled sharply. "Alright, I'll try it." Hermione beamed broadly. "But you have to tell me something."

Hermione nodded. "Sure, what?"

Ginny turned to face the other girl. "What in the world are you going to do about Ron?"

Hermione gaped. "About… WHO?"

Ginny smirked. "About Ron. You know, my brother? Ron, Ron, Ron Weasley!"

"I don't… I don't know what you're talking about!"

"Oh please Hermione don't treat me like I'm four! You just gave me quality relationship advice, I'm fully qualified to give you some in return. Besides," Ginny grinned evilly. "Who knows him like I do?"

"Ron and I are _not_ in a relationship!" exclaimed Hermione.

"Well, I suppose you're right. You're more in a non-relationship. But those tend to lead to the some of the best actual relationships! Right up there with marrying your best friend," mused Ginny, almost to herself. "As said in the June copy of _Witch Weekly Teen_. Anyways, I think you should tell him you like him."

"But I don't like him!"

"Yes you do."

"No I don't!"

"Well at least try flirting with him!" reasoned Ginny.

"But then he'll know!" whined Hermione.

"HA!"

Hermione glared at Ginny, almost looking as if she was going to break the code for underage magic and hex the freckles right off of her face. But instead she fell back against Ginny's bed and groaned, glaring up at the pictures taped on the ceiling.

"Um, Gin?" Hermione asked timidly.

"Yes?" answered Ginny, her tone declaring that she was still basking in the glory of a won argument.

"You know what I said about acting normal around Harry?"

"Yes?"

"Maybe you should start by taking the pictures of him off of your ceiling."

…

Ron nearly spewed his sip of Butterbeer.

"She had _what_ taped on her ceiling?" spluttered Ron, not even bothering to wipe drink off of his chin.

"Pictures of Harry. About fifteen of them." Stated Hermione calmly, taking a collected swallow of her on drink, Pumpkin Juice. She never drank Butterbeer or Firewhiskey after 9 o'clock.

"And you don't think that's creepy?" asked Ron, dubious.

"Well, a little… but I mean… she took them down!" said Hermione defensively.

"Alright, well, that was a fantastically disturbing insight on the obsessive mind of my little sister, but what does this have to do with us?"

"I told you how it started! Ginny made me realize I liked you! But then I had to take matters into my own hands."

"Which involved….?" prodded Ron.

Hermione blushed. "Research."

**Yay for chapter two! This one was really fun to right, but let's all thank casper1995 for prodding me into starting it! (everyone choruses a thank you) So now you have the beginning idea of the plan, but didn't we all expect for Hermione to research relationships? Or do we all do that? Is it just me and Hermione? Really? Well... then… *sigh* Please review. OH! And Butterbeer for all who caught the Mysterious Ticking Noise reference!**


	3. Holy Snitches!

**Disclaimer: No**

**I'm updating again? What's wrong with me? Maybe I just enjoy writing this story more than my others, it's so much fun! So I'm going to stop this Author's Note now because I can't wait to get writing! So, please enjoy chapter three! And as a reminder, I am still looking for a Beta**

Hermione paced back in forth in the low glow of the night; from the broom shed, to the woods, and back the night after she and Ginny's little spat. The entire time, she was engaged in a fierce argument with herself.

_No, I don't like him._

_You kind of said you did. _

_I don't care what I said! He's one of my best friends. _

_Ginny said some of the best relationships spring from friendship._

_She got that out of a magazine! It's completely unreliable. There is no way I would even want to do something like that! It's ridiculous to even think about!_

But yet… she had come out here hadn't she? After nearly an hour of tossing and turning in her sleeping bag, she had given up, grabbed her coat, and gone outside.

_I just didn't want to wake Ginny up! Just because I couldn't sleep doesn't mean that I have to prevent Ginny from being able to sleep!_

_But why couldn't you sleep?_

…_shut up…_

It was true. Ever since stupid Ginny had made her stupid comments, Hermione had been obsessing over the youngest Weasley boy. And maybe she did start to notice how he had hair thicker than all of his brothers. So what if he had begun to fill out over the summer? Who in the world cared if all of a sudden his used to be baggy clothes fit him perfectly? So perfectly in fact, that she had went from noticing, to staring.

Hermione let out a moan and flopped down on the damp grass. If only there was a way she could find out if she actually _did _like Ron. Obviously she was rubbish at figuring this out on her own, and Ginny would be no help, she was too one sided… she needed another opinion. A mentor of some sort. But what kind of sick person would mentor girls on the disturbing and twisted labyrinth that was a boy?

She banged her head against the side of the broom shed in frustration and glared up at the stars. The moon was nearly full, and judging from its position, it was almost midnight. The Quidditch World Cup was tomorrow. She should probably get some rest.

Shutting her eyes against the horrible idea of having to struggle with her insomnia once again, she banged her elbow against the small building behind her. At once, there was a responding clang inside, like something heavy had fallen from a high shelf. Groaning, the girl got herself up to go check it out.

Mumbling to herself about the issues of being responsible, she clumsily unlocked the gate.

It opened with an ominous creak, as if stepping inside would only bring her a load of trouble. Hermione hesitated for a moment on the threshold, but quickly dismissed the feeling, telling herself that she was an idiot, and it was only a building.

Inside, Hermione could see quite clearly what had happened in here. The force of her blow had been strong enough to knock over nearly half of the Weasley's collection of broomsticks, and what appeared to be an ancient magic flying carpet or two.

The idea came to her quite suddenly, and Hermione turned on a dime and sprinted back to the Burrow, suddenly wide awake.

She rushed into the room she and Ginny were sharing, hurdled her cot, and catapulted herself straight into Ginny's bed.

"HOLY SNITCHES HERM-" Hermione the heel of her palm into Ginny's mouth.

"Shhhhh! You'll wake everyone up!" she whispered fervently.

"What do you want then?"

"I need you to fly me to Ottery St. Catchpole." She hissed, excitement clear in her voice.

"Can't it wait until tomorrow?" yawned Ginny, already rolling over to go back to sleep.

"No! We'll be at the Cup tomorrow! It has to be tonight!" exclaimed Hermione, perhaps just a little too loud.

"Quiet Hermione. I don't see why this stupid book you want or whatever it is can't wait until later. And because I can't see it, I don't care. And because I don't care, I'm going back to sleep. So goodnight." And with that, Ginny slumped back into her pillows with Hermione still sitting on her legs.

Hermione sat for a moment, trying to figure out how to drag her friend out of bed. She wasn't stronger than Ginny, so the only option would be too…

"Ginny," Hermione whispered into her ear. "This so called 'stupid book or whatever' may be the key for both of us to get our guys."

Five minutes later they were down at the broom shed.

…

"Wait, time out! I'm confused." Ron interrupted again.

"What?" exclaimed a quite annoyed Hermione.

"Okay, two things. Why were you going into town in the middle of the night? And why did you need Ginny to come with you?" asked Ron.

"Because I had to go find something out smart one. You would have figured that out if you would pay an ounce of attention to me at all-"

"I am to paying attention to you!" he protested.

"Yeah, that doesn't count Ronald," said Hermione, gesturing with her chin towards Ron's hands, busy away drawing patterns over Hermione's calves. Ron went red(it's starting to become a pattern isn't it?) and stopped what he was doing.

"And as for the second thing… well, I needed Ginny to take me because… I don't know how to fly a broom." she mumbled, trailing off and looking down.

Ron gaped at his girlfriend, opening and closing his mouth at random intervals.

Flabbergasted, he murmured, "But we all learned in our First Year!"

Hermione jerked her head up. "Actually, we didn't. Remember, Harry interrupted our lesson by being noble and attempting to get Neville's Remembrall back?"

"He didn't attempt! He succeeded! He got on the Quidditch team too!"

"But that didn't teach me how to fly a broom did it?"

Ron _ohhed_ softly, finally figuring it out. "Well, we can fix that tomorrow, get on with the story!"

"Say please." teased Hermione.

"Fine," He responded, a tiny smirk playing across his lips. "Please."

**And there we are ladies and gents, chapter three! Let's give it a big round of applause/reviews! I actually meant to get something accomplished in this chapter, like some of the promised research. But don't you worry your pretty little minds! It will come with the next chapter! But the next chapter will only come if your applause/reviews do! **


	4. Twelve Fail Safe Ways

**Sorry it's late, but this one is long! Enjoy!**

"So remind me," yelled Ginny over the wind roaring around them as the two girls soared over the country side on a broomstick. "Why do we have to go to Ottery St. Catchpole at one in the morning?"

"Because, the sooner we investigate this stuff, the less of a chance there is that other variables will interfere with this!" hollered Hermione in return.

"Variables? What kind of variables could possibly crop up in one day?" asked Ginny. "For Pete's sake Hermione, you've known Ron for three years now! And things are starting to go well with me and Harry! Admit it, you just can't stand feeling helpless and uninformed about this, and you just _have_ to go figure it out!"

"What do you know?" shot back Hermione, carefully avoiding her accusation. "Oh, look! There's the town! Aim for the library!"

With a sigh audible even over the deafening noise of the wind, Ginny angled her broom down towards the small cluster of dots nearly two hundred yards below them.

Three minutes, and only one close call with a Muggle later, the two girls stood in front of the stone steps of the _St. Catchpole Public Library_. Which, according to the sign, had _Proudly been here for over four hundred years._

It showed too. The few granite steps leading up to the library had a worn look that was hard to come by in rock nowadays. The building itself hadn't fared much better. It's red brick exterior had paled to a dark pink over the years, and there were quite a few holes roughly filled with cement where bricks had fallen out.

"Wait, how are we supposed to get in? No one's here!" asked Hermione, turning to face Ginny.

"Ooooh. Looks like Miss Mindful forget to check her facts." Ginny teased. "Lucky for you, I've been down here after hours a few times, and I know a few tricks."

Ginny, much to Hermione's astonishment, pulled out her wand. "Gin… you could get expelled…"

"Don't worry," said Ginny over her shoulder as she made her way towards the front door. "I'm not actually going to use it. This is the only way into the Wizarding library, also the only library open after 8:30 pm."

"Oh, alright. But we don't really need to get into the Wizarding one. Wait, are there computers in the magically library?" rushed Hermione.

"Um, no. But I know the librarian, and she'll let us into the Muggle one if you really need to go."

Ginny stepped forward and tapped a pattern onto a spot about two feet to the left of the front door with her wand. An door appeared at her command, along with a plaque across its front reading _Ottery St. Catchpole's Private Library._

Behind a desk inside the dusty library, a wizened old woman with drooping spectacles and graying hair sat crouched over an immensely thick novel.

"Hello Madam Morgan, how are you doing this fine nigh- err, morning?" said Ginny brightly.

"Hello Miss Weasley, out for another late night fly, are we? Who's your friend?" inquired Madam Morgan, looking rather amused.

"Hello, I'm Hermione Granger."

"Hello Miss Granger, what can I do for you?" asked Madam Morgan kindly, not seemingly put off at all that she had to deal with teenagers in the wee hours of the morning.

"Um, yeah. Ginny and I needed to do some quick research on, uh…" Hermione blushed, not knowing quite how to put this.

"Boys?" piqued the librarian.

The two girls stared at her.

"It seems the only logical explanation for two young females coming into a library this early. Not that I don't enjoy your company of course. Also, considering that Harry Potter is staying at the Burrow and that Miss Granger just went a furious shade of red."

Hermione and Ginny stared some more.

"Right," said Madam Morgan, attempting to free herself from the confines of her desk. "I do believe we have a few books on the subject that you are pursuing. Please follow me."

The librarian led them through tiny passageways made from looming bookshelves that leaned inwards precariously. Eventually, the shadows created overcame them and Madam Morgan had to light her wand.

"Here we are, let's see…" Madam Morgan trailed her long fingers across the spines of the books in front of her. "Alright, we have _The Map of Men, _and _Don't Worry, He Confuses Us Too, _and _Twelve Fail Safe Way's to Charm Wizards._ Anything else?"

"Yes, actually," responded Hermione, as Ginny was too busy snatching _The Map of Men_ from the graying woman. "Could you let me into the Muggle library so I could look something up online? I don't think it should take more than a moment."

"Of course, dear. Right this way." Once again, she turned her back on the girls and headed in another direction. Hermione glanced at Ginny before starting after her, only to see that Ginny seemed much too involved in her novel to go anywhere.

"Gin, meet me by Madam Morgan's desk in ten minutes, okay?" No reply. "Ginny! Ten minutes! Librarian's desk! Comprende?" shouted Hermione.

This time she got a grunt out of her friend. Shrugging, Hermione raced off after the fading librarian.

…

"Wait, did you say that there was a book there called _Twelve Fail Safe Ways to Charm Wizards?_" asked Ron, his eyebrows so high on his forehead that they couldn't be seen under his bangs.

"Yes, why?"

"No, reason. Continue."

…

Hermione followed Madam Morgan through the library's endless labyrinth for what seemed like ages until they came to a wall with a faded portrait of two young children dancing. There was no door.

"Um, how are we supposed to…" Hermione started, before the librarian shushed her with a wave of her hand.

Madam Morgan took a step towards the portrait hanging in front of her. Closer up, Hermione could tell that although these two toddlers were depicted dancing, they weren't moving at all.

_Huh. I wonder why there's a Muggle picture in a Wizard library…_ pondered Hermione, as Madam Morgan pulled out her wand.

Madam Morgan tapped both of the kid's noses and stepped back next to Hermione.

Before their very eyes, the section of the wall in front of them disintegrated and reformed into a large stone archway.

"Wow," said Hermione in awe. "It's just like the one in Diagon Alley!"

"Who do you think gave them the idea?" said Madam Morgan with a wink. "Now, you'll find a row of computers if you walk around 10 meters that way," She said, pointing. "Good luck!"

Hermione found the row of outdated computers easily, and sat down at the first one and turned it on and it went straight to the home screen.

Opening up a search engine, she glanced around nervously, as if somebody was about to jump out front behind a bookshelf and scold her for what she was about to look up.

She Googled it quickly, still haunted by the idea that someone was watching her.

**How to get a guy to like you**

Hermione clicked on and printed the first two options, not wanting to spend to much time on it, before she was hit with another thought.

And after a quick internal debate, she quickly printed out one more page from a different search:

**How to Kiss**

Grabbing her printouts, she sprinted back towards the Wizarding library and Ginny, pleased with her work.

**There you are folks! Hope you enjoyed this installment of **_**The Plan. **_**This chapter was both fun and hard to write, but I hope it was worth it! I think this story is going to begin to heat up quite nicely now… hehehe… Review pretty please! The button is right there! It makes me update faster…(:**


	5. Book Worms

**Disclaimer: No. And Disclaimer for the last chapter which I forgot: No.**

**Here we go with chapter five! The much awaited for unveiling of the plan! Honestly I thought it would have arrived sooner…**

**Oh, and there is a little bit at the end that lives up to the T rating, although I know the majority of this story is K plus. It's just silly and really not that bad at all but I wouldn't want my ten year old to read it.**

"Okay, so that's interesting and all, but when did I start ruining things exactly?" asked Ron.

"I'm getting there! Ginny and I started the plans the next afternoon, right before the Quidditch World Cup." said Hermione, finishing off her third glass of water.

"Skip to that part then!" egged Ron, sitting up and leaning towards his girlfriend in excitement.

"Fine." sighed Hermione. Ron could be tiring, but he was just so endearingly cute sometimes.

…

"Alright," proclaimed Mr. Weasley, after both Bagman and Crouch had left the campsite. "We should probably all rest up before the game starts tonight. We did have an early morning after all, and who knows? This match may very well end up lasting for days! Wouldn't want to be taking a nap during that, eh?"

"Of course not Dad, come on Hermione!" rushed Ginny, grabbing her friend by her sleeve and dragging her at a run towards their tent.

"Ouch, Ginny!" cried Hermione, rubbing her arm once they were in there relatively small tent. "What was that for?"

"Oh come on!" protested the red head. "You cannot honestly say that you're not dying to check out those books? Because I'm dying to see what you printed out last night." She said this all very fast.

"Well of course I'm- wait," Hermione's brown eyes flew wide. "You got the books? When?"

"Last night! I checked them out for me, and I figured you'd want your own copies so ordered them from Flourish and Blotts for you. They should be at the Burrow by tomorrow morning." said Ginny.

"Well, let's see them then!" exclaimed Hermione. The two girls dashed to Ginny's bottom bunk where her simple black duffel bag laid waiting for them.

"Alright," started Ginny, unzipping her suitcase quickly and pulling out the three texts, "I had some time to glance through them last night, and it seems to me that this one," she held up _The Map of Men_ "is best for your basic outline on how boys work. And this one," she pointed to _Don't Worry, He Confuses Us Too_ "is best for telling if a guy likes you or not. And this one," she tapped the cover of _Twelve Fail Safe Ways to Charm Wizards_, "is best for getting a guy to like you and, it also gives you an insight to the inner mind of boy."

"Alright then, let's start with that one."

"Right then," said Ginny, opening the book to the Table of Contents. "Where do you want to start? We could do '_Chapter Four: What Boys Want to Hear'_, or '_Chapter Seven: When They Stop Paying Attention'_ or… OH! '_Chapter Eleven: When All Else Fails, Amortentia, Confundus Charms, the Imperius Curse and Much More'_! Wow, this book has everything! Where do you want to start?" she asked, looking at Hermione.

"How about we start at where the author meant for us to start? The Prologue." Hermione said in a voice she usually reserved for bossing around Ron and Harry in the library.

Ginny shot her a disappointed look, but flipped to the prologue.

_The Prologue_

_Hello ladies. Welcome to _Twelve Fail Safe Ways to Charm Wizards_. You're here, I assume, because you're having boy troubles. Whether it's a school girl crush, your boyfriend is more interested in Quidditch than you, or you've caught your husband cheating on you with that scanty secretary in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, you've come to the right place. _

_Now, my name is Madeline Rider, and yes, I am a witch. I think it's safe to assume that you wouldn't want a wizard giving you advice about other wizards. He could very much take advantage of you! But, at the same time, it would be nice to have some insider information. So, I've requested my husband and my fourteen year old son to assist me in writing this How-To. Which should both assure you that everything in here is true, and that I've had plenty of experience dabbling in the world of men. _

_Now, catching a man may take some time, so don't be discouraged if he isn't in your arms by the end of the year. But if you truly care for someone and aren't wishing for a simple fling, but a truly lasting relationship, following the instructions in this book will get you there!_

_So my fellow witch, I wish you good luck in your quest to secure your wizard!_

_Sincerely,_

_Madeline Rider_

_PS: Do remember that every wizard is unique, so each one will want a different type of witch! So keep that in mind. Happy reading!_

Hermione finished reading before Ginny did, giving her some time to think. Did she really want some book to tell her how to get together with Ron? That did seem rather… desperate didn't it? And kind of pervy?

_But honestly, you've figured everything else out by reading haven't you? This is the same thing as… a Transfiguration assignment. You've got to do your research._

"So, what do you think Hermione?" asked an apparently finished Ginny.

"I think… that if we follow these rules… then we should both have boyfriends by the end of my Fifth Year and your Fourth, no problem." stated Hermione, slowly but surely.

Ginny stared. "You're honestly going to follow the instructions in this book? Step by step for _two years?_ Do you really think that my brother is _worth that kind of time?_"

"I'm a book worm Ginny," said Hermione, with a wink. "It's what I do."

…

"I'm sorry, did you compare me to a piece of homework back there?" asked a disbelieving Ron.

"Yes, I did. Do you have a problem with that?" said Hermione defensively.

"Well, yeah! I'm not an assignment! So why would you compare me to one!"

"Come on Ronald! An assignment was a perfect metaphor! What gives me more passion than homework?" challenged Hermione.

"Well…"

"Oh, you just watch it!"

**Hehe… yeah… anyways! There it was! If anyone has any ideas for the other chapters in **_**Twelve Fail Safe Ways to Charm Wizards **_**or anything that they want to see Hermione do in her plan than please let me know in a review or PM, because what Hermione does relatively centered around the chapters in that book. For the majority of it. Probably. So, please review!**

**Also, a chapter a day is getting tiring, so it may end up being one a week or even every few days. But who knows? It may stay at this pace! But I do solemnly swear to not stop in the middle of this story and leave you hanging(:**


	6. Harlots

**Disclaimer: No.**

**Took me long enough, huh? Almost two days! But right now it's before midnight (10:40) and I'm posting, so technically I only made you wait one day! Haha! Loophole for fast typing! Well, depending on where you are in the world… But my excuse is that I spent all of today dress shopping. *shudder* It's gross and I don't recommend it.**

**Read on!**

"Nice, so Chapter One then?" asked Ginny, already flipping the pages.

"GINNY! HERMIONE! WE'VE GOTTA GO OR WE'LL BE LATE FOR THE MATCH!" bellowed Mr. Weasley, with way more volume than was needed.

"One sec Daddy!" Ginny yelled back, now rushing to get to the right page.

"Ginny, if we had time for 'one sec' then we would have said 'We have to go _in one sec_ or we will be late for the Quidditch match'!" hollered Percy, in the most refined tone he could manage while having his voice raised. "Now let's go! I cannot have Mr. Crouch thinking that I will make a habit of being late!"

"FINE!" screamed Ginny. She slammed down the book and stomped out of the tent, muttering about Percy's 'glass mole' and whether Mr. Crouch already knew that Percy made a habit of showing it off.

Before getting up, Hermione took one last longing look down at Ginny's book. Written in large, shimmery blue letters were: _CHAPTER ONE: PAYING ATTENTION._

The walk down to the Quidditch pitch was expectedly loud, everyone was absolutely giddy with the fact that they were _here_. Well, almost everyone. Hermione was too preoccupied to be giddy with something like Quidditch. Even if it was a match as big as the World Cup. She was busy thinking.

_Paying attention… what does that mean? I pay attention to Ron!_

_Do you really though?_

_Of course I do! We have conversations all the time! Listening is half of that._

_Yeah, you're listening, but are you really paying attention? Are you trying to be interested in what he's saying?_

_Well, they when the boys talk about Quidditch, or chess I _do_ tend to tune them out… but that's just because they're… well… better than I am at that! But they tune me out when I talk about school!_

She honestly had to stop arguing with herself. It couldn't be healthy.

"Hermione!" Ron waved his hand in front of her face. "Come on! We're going in! We've got the Top Box!" said Ron, practically jumping up and down in excitement.

Hermione smirked, about to come back with a snarky remark before remembering her previous internal debate.

_Remember, try to be interested. Who knows? You may actually end up having a passion for Quidditch!_

"Really? Wow! I'll bet the match will be fantastic from up there!"

Ron looked slightly taken aback, but quickly recovered.

"I know! This is going to be the best week of my life!"

"A week? Really Ronald? That would be amazing, but my money is on the game lasting around an hour." said Hermione, slipping back into her traditional form of bossy-know-it-all girl.

"You can't say that! There's never any telling how long these things can go! The longest one was… how long again?"

"Three months."

"Exactly! Oh, wouldn't it be brilliant if we beat that! I think my life would be complete, you?" said Ron hurriedly, his face lit up in enthusiasm. "Wait, sorry I forgot, you're not really into Quidditch, are you?" his face dropped a little.

Hermione smiled endearingly at him. "It would be awfully cool."

…

"Hold up!" interrupted Ron… again.

"What is it this time?" said Hermione, exasperated. "Need a trip to the loo?"

"No! Well, yes but that's not what I wanted to say."

"What then?"

"Do you mean that the only reason you were excited for the _World Cup_ was because you were trying to _impress me_?" said Ron in a disbelieving tone.

"Well… I might have been exaggerating a bit." Hermione said, smiling slightly.

"Really? Oh thank goodness." sighed Ron, breathing a sigh of relief and miming wiping sweat from his brow.

"I was really excited to take part in such a historic event! I mean, four hundred and twenty-two years of a continuous event is nothing to scoff at." Her grin grew wider, at the obvious dismay across her boyfriends face.

"Just… just keep going." whispered Ron faintly.

"I was only joking Ron! Honestly…"

…

The pair continued with their playful banter all the way up the stairs. Hermione smiled the whole time. It wasn't so bad talking sports with Ron. His obvious passion for the game made it this whole thing more appealing and thrilling.

They kept up a stimulating conversation between them, both of them learning new things from the other. Ron about the finer details of the game through Hermione's three rounds through _Quidditch Through the Ages_, and Hermione about the game over all. You could only learn so much from reading and watching, actually playing was the way to really discover things, but hearing it from someone as passionate about Quidditch as Ron was was a close second.

Everything was going exactly as planned, until the veela came out.

Harry and Ron, along with the rest of the male population of the crowd(only a few, including Mr. Weasley seemed to be able to hold on to their dignity, although they did gawk down at the field) went into a trance like state once the scantily clad girls glided onto the pitch.

_What is wrong with them? They're acting like… like…_

_Teenage boys?_

She scowled and turned her back on Ron.

"Harry, what _are_ you doing?" said Hermione, shocked. He had one of his legs nearly outside of their box, apparently ready to hurl the rest of his body down into the crowd of people. With a glance to her left, she saw that Ron was positioned similarly.

Ignoring the red head, she reached up and seized Harry by the back of his t-shirt to pull him back into his seat.

"Honestly!" she scolded.

_Stupid… umm… harlots. _

The rest of the pre-game followed much more smoothly, as her anger at Ron and his drool for the veela girls both disappeared into the night after the excitement of gold falling from the sky as little green men danced around. So, by the time Bagman began the game, Hermione was able to lean forward in her seat in anticipation, more excited for this than she had thought possible.

…

"So you were excited for the match!" gloated Ron.

"I told you I was!"

"I know… but I just… wasn't sure."

"Whatever."

**Lame ending, I understand. But it's late! So, thanks for reading! Please review! Oh, and as a response to one of my reviews, no I do not plan on forgetting about you guys(:**


	7. Burping Contests

**My sincerest apologies for not updating. I have no excuse. You may throw rocks if you do wish. But read first! Oh, and someone said something about how the internet wasn't common in Hermione's fourth year… thank you telling me, but I'm going to keep it like that because: A) It works for me and B) I'm too lazy to go and change it(: **

"So, you and Ron were getting awful friendly during the match, talking about Quidditch and such," said Ginny, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively. "So what happened?"

Hermione flopped down on one of the battered chairs in their dark tent. Although the game had hardly lasted an hour, she was exhausted. The combination of adrenaline and the… ups and downs with Ron had left her drained.

"What happened? I couldn't tell you. I thought things were going great, and then those… _animals_ came out." She shuddered.

"The veela? Oh come on Hermione! Harry and Ron were just being guys. That doesn't even bother me!"

"I know! That's what I thought too. But in all the romantic books I've read and cheesy movies I've seen, the guy never goes slobbering off after some hot piece of meat! So, I don't know what's going on." She groaned in frustration and threw herself onto Ginny's bunk so she could smother her face in the thick quilt.

Ginny sighed and crossed the tent to pull her friend up by the arm. "C'mon Hermione, up we go!" Hermione stayed obstinately face down. "DUDE! You're acting just like those pathetic girly girls who go around moping around because of some guy."

Hermione rotated her face to shoot Ginny a raised eyebrow. "Ok, fine. You're acting somewhat like I did around Harry. But you were the one who got me out of that! And this is way worse. What I did was endearingly cute, because I was a little. This… you just need to man up."

She sat up and sighed. "Maybe you're right. Let's just check the book. See if there's anything else we can do."

_Twelve Fail Safe Ways to Charm Wizards_ was still open to _Chapter One: Pay Attention_ where the two girls had abandoned it.

"Ohhhhhh," said Ginny overdramatically. "So that's why you and Ron were talking about all that Quidditch stuff! I was wondering, because you've never seemed interested in it before."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Said Hermione breezily. "Quidditch has been a Wizarding tradition for nearly three hundred years. It is fascinating."

"Right. It has nothing to do with this book on how to catch guys."

"Of course not. So, if you'll excuse me…" Hermione reached over her friend to flip the pages to the next section.

_Chapter Two: Relax and Be His Friend_

_So my dears. I'm assuming that you have successfully engaged your boy in some thrilling (or lack there of) discussion on something that he has a passion for. Hopefully you didn't die of boredom. Perhaps you even found something you liked! But that is not what this chapter is about. This chapter is about using that smidget of conversation to bring on a whole new realm of relationship for the two of you. _

_Now, I know that most experts say that "once you're in the friend zone, there's no getting out" but I happen to think that all great, meaningful, and above all, lasting relationships spring from friendships. Remember, this is not a novel to read if you're just looking for a fling. _

_So now that you have talked, go talk to him again! Build a friendship and be his friend. And remember, that you cannot do this if you are constantly tripping over yourself to be his girlfriend! Relax and be his friend. _

_But, perhaps you were already friends with him. And you're telling me "Madeline, you're insane. I've already done this. So thank you for a pointless chapter with no advice for me." Oh contraire my dear friend. You've been friends for some time now, correct? And once you realized that you fancied this boy you suddenly find yourself jealous for no reason? Snapping at him for something that shouldn't bother you? Struggling to maintain a conversation with him without getting lost in his eyes? Yeah. I thought so. _

_Therefore, take my advice. Friends first, let him see who you are! Crack a joke, tell him a funny story, talk to him about his family, but be friendly. But, don't be his best guy friend (for more on that see Chapter Five)._

_Good luck dearest!_

…

"Wait, what does it mean, "But don't be his best guy friend"? asked Ron.

"Oh, you know, no fart jokes or burping contests or anything like that."

Ron stared, opened mouthed at her.

"Do you really think we do that?"

"Well, yeah. Don't you?"

"Of course not!"

"Well, do you and Harry?"

"No! I mean, yesterday I burped after a Butterbeer and then he burped after his and we just… forced ourselves to burp at each other for a while…."

Hermione wrinkled her nose at him. "Yeah, we weren't supposed to do that."

"It wasn't that bad! And I won!" Ron smiled at the memory.

"Very good sweetie," she said sarcastically. "I'm proud of you."

She patted his face mockingly a few times before Ron grabbed her hand and pulled him towards her into a hug.

He buried his face into her hair and whispered: "I knew you would be."

**Yay! So, school starts tomorrow:/ and for some odd reason, I've decided to take an AP course. So, I don't know what my updating schedule will be like, but I will try to do once a week. I'm telling myself Saturday or Sunday, but this story may become what I like to call "an object of procrastination" and it may be updated during the week(: **

**Anyways, I've got the rest of the fic loosely planned out, but if there's something in particular you want to see, let me know! **


	8. A Casual Date

**Disclaimer: I wish.**

"So, are you going to ask Ron to the Yule Ball?" asked Ginny casually.

Hermione spewed the Pumpkin Juice Fred and George had smuggled up to the Common Room for them all over her friends open Transfiguration textbook.

"Hey! What was that for? It was only question for Merlin's sake…" grumbled Ginny as she hastily wiped up the mess with the end of her robes.

Hermione reached over to help clean automatically, clearing the mess with a simple vanishing charm.

"Non-verbal?" asked Ginny.

Hermione nodded distractedly.

Ginny sighed. "Ok, so you don't want to ask him. But why not?"

"Well, because… you know… er…" she trailed off, searching frantically for an excuse. "Because of what Chapter Three of _Twelve Fail Safe Ways to Charm Wizards _said! Don't you remember?"

"Er, no? Honestly I haven't looked at the thing since school started, a lot has been going you, y'know?"

Oh, she knew. It was amazing she even had had time to sleep at all the entire term. But slept she had, along with keeping Harry alive during his run in with the dragons, and keeping her top marks. Yet somehow, she had even had time to read the entirety of _Twelve Fail Safe Ways to Charm Wizards_, along with _The Map of Men_ and _Don't Worry, He Confuses Us Too_. She had yet to look at her printouts about kissing from St. Catchpole's Public Library though, not daring to get her hopes up quite that high.

"There has been quite a bit, hasn't there?" Hermione smiled. "Would you like to look at it though? Just in case you're inclined to follow your own advice and ask out a certain Champion?"

Ginny blushed. "You know Third Years aren't allowed to the Ball unless their asked…" she mumbled.

Hermione grinned wider and summoned her book down from her dormitory and into the Common Room, where they were currently studying alone while everyone else was sleeping seeing as tomorrow was the last day of the term

The novel came whizzing down the staircase, and Hermione ducked to avoid decapitation. Ginny caught it deftly and handed it over to her less coordinated friend.

"Thanks. Right then, _Chapter Three: Being Available… But Not Available_."

_Hello once again ladies, _

_So, you're friends at last! Perhaps this is the closest relationship you've had with any boy, or perhaps you've never known a male for this long without French kissing him. But by now, hopefully you've decided that either you actually don't like this guy as a person and you no longer want any contact with him because he's simply a prat, or this is a boy you want as a friend, but nothing beyond that really, or you still want him as more._

_If you chose either of the first two options, then it's been a pleasure helping you move on and you may stop reading here and go on with the rest of your life (or check out my other novel entitiled "_How the Bloody Hell to Give Your Guy Friend Girl Advice")_. But if you chose option three, then it's time to begin Step Three, which I like to refer as ThisStepIsMessingWithMyHead._

_I say this because it is a rather confusing step. Most commonly at this point in a guy and girl friendship, your boy doesn't usually think that you like him as anything more than a friend. And you want to give him the opportunity to ask you out, but you also want him to go, "Hey, this girl that I'm hanging out with is actually a girl, and she could be my girlfriend!"_

_So maybe ask him for some advice about another guy, but don't specify who. Or go out on a casual date with someone else if you feel so inclined._

_My fourteen year old son would like to interject that teenage boys hate it when girls play games with them. But I would argue that it's necessary sometimes, depending on the boy. (Which is my way of saying, don't get caught messing with him.)_

_Remember girls, this step is tricky, and it is likely that you're head will feel as if it is about to burst._

_Oh, I'm so glad that I'm not in your position! Never the less, good luck!_

Almost before Hermione finished reading the chapter aloud, Ginny was pushing the mountains of parchment and textbook off of her lap, and getting off the couch.

"Where are you going?" asked Hermione, turning to watch as Ginny headed up to the boys' dormitory's.

"To tell Neville that I'll go with him to the Ball," she said. At the alarmed look on her friends face, she smirked. "I suddenly feel inclined to go on a casual date with someone else."

Hermione's thoughts whirled as Ginny disappeared up the staircase. Maybe… she should feel inclined to go a casual date with someone else as well.

…

The next evening, she was in the library. It was empty, which was not a surprise. Classes had ended nearly an hour ago, and almost nobody was going to start their winter break homework until after Christmas. But she knew he would show up.

And surely enough, an hour later, when she was almost finished with her Charms Essay, a large shadow appeared over her parchment.

"Hermy-own, vat are you doing in the library? It is vinter break!"

Hermione was rather shocked, usually Victor Krum just lurked around the shelves. He had only spoken to her once before actually, she panicked. What had she been thinking? There had been no clear indication that he had any romantic interest in her at all!

"I just thought I'd get a head start on my homework, Harry and Ron are going to want some help with theirs anyways so…" she had hoped that a mention of boys would peak his attention. She had been right.

"Harry? Potter? You are… friends vith him?" he failed to mention Ron.

"Oh, yes, we've known each other since our first year."

"Are you…" he looked like he was attempting to swallow a slug. "Are you going vith him to the dance?"

Jackpot.

"No, we're just friends." She looked up at him from underneath her eyelashes in an attempt to flirt, feeling immensely silly. "I don't have a date to the Ball."

"Oh!" he looked relieved. "Then, vould you like to go vith me?"

She smiled at him. "I would love to."

…

"So… you never really liked Victor?" asked Ron, looking as though he was on the edge of an epiphany.

"Kind of. I mean, he was really nice to me, and it was the first time I had been seen in that way by a boy," she blushed. "You know, as a girlfriend? But I don't know, I always liked you though. But looking back, you were way to irritating."

"Thanks?" he asked, cocking an eyebrow at her.

"No problem."

**So… hi? It's been what, four months? I love you, don't kill me! I don't really have an excuse… but I know that I hate reading excuses from writers anyways, so yeah. **

**But I can tell you that you will definitely get at least one more chapter out of me before the end of Christmas break, alright? That doesn't make it better though does it? *sigh* I'm so very sorry.**


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